A beautiful journey...

begins :)

Alhamdulillah.. here is my rainbow

Complaning with Actions

Complaining. That's all there is.

Even I get sick of my own complains when I know I'm not doing anything about it. But then again, here's a personal space to rant. And here's a complain even after I've done something about it. Complaining because I don't want to burden the boyfriend and having to let him make myself feel better ten thousand times.

Its now just up to time.

I saw the 'The Amazing Spider-Man 2: Rise of Electro' last  night. The first half hour was just about Spider-Man saving the city (as usual) and trying to get to his graduation ceremony. And then that was it.

I wept when Gwen Stacy was called on stage to give a speech. She was a valedictorian. The entire scene of Gwen giving her speech, the graduates and their decorated hats with their parents and family. It was a mixture of being upset and angry at the world and feeling fired up to graduate.

I'm not gonna have that campus life. Nope. That time has passed. I missed out.

But I want to have that genuinely disgusting, im-on-top-of-the-world smile plastered on my face when I graduate. When I get myself on the Dean's List. When I put on that robe and that hat - maybe I'll decorate that stupid hat - maybe its not stupid.  After all that I had to go through to get that ONE piece of paper.

I want it. I need it so bad that it hurts. Nobody will understand this.
I am proud of myself. Of what I am, of how strong I have become. Oxymoronic I know.

Graduating... after all the stumbling blocks, would be my greatest pride.

I'll get there. I will. 2017.

Have faith Hanah. Have faith.

Under Construction

4 years ago, a crucial decision was made. And in that 4 years, I had to face the repercussions of the decision.

Today, I am more than proud of myself. I never knew that I could reach my own benchmark and the benchmarks that I created as I go along, by 10 folds.

My initial focus was, career progression.

I was promoted last year.

This year, I made a big purchase - I bought myself a car. 2 years after I sold my first car.

Today, after putting it on hold for what I feel like forever, I'll be attending my first class of my Degree program.

So, now that I've rebuilt my life, I can seriously consider moving on. For real.

It wasn't all easy. And time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds. 

But its what you make of it.

Slowly but surely.

 

The Closet

Our stories vary tremendously.

Each of us, have our own little closet.
We each have our fair share of, "when I was 15, I had....".
But the fact is, we don't live in it.
Our closets, big or small, no matter how dark or gloomy or scary, we each have a story to tell.

No person in their right mind could measure how hard another person's story is.
Its subjective, yes. But you can never say that another person's story is not as hard as yours.
You can never say that you had it worst.
Hard is hard.

Coming out of your closet, to tell your story, whatever it may be, is hard.

But when you do, you will see that society, though very misconstrued and judgemental, are rather accepting.
Because in its own idealistically shaped mindsets, they wonder how you managed to find the courage to put on a brave front, to pull through and simply carry on.

Observation on a Wednesday

When I got to the office this morning, I was walking behind one of the interns.

His shoes was so shiny that every time he takes a step, It felt like the back of his shoes were winking at me.

***

Went down to get some breakfast, saw a pregnant woman probably 7months long.  She was wearing a Lycra maxi dress. All my eyes could focus on was her belly button sticking out. 

Im sure she had an "inny" belly button.

Well she's an "otty" now.

***

I was at my desk when I heard a repeated squeaking sound. 

So I looked for it. 

It was my colleague Fizi. He sits about 4metres away from me. 

Told him I could hear him rocking his chair. Then he said "ok la tu, bunyi mcm lutut fizi". So I said but ur lutut dah karat. Then he said "ha tu la pasal. Lama tak dapat!"

His wife just gave birth to their second child.
He will be on 3 months "sabbatical".

Predictable

When you are haunted by the past, you're living in the past.

No matter how much you laugh.
No matter how brave and strong you appear.
No matter how loud you sing.
No matter how crazy you dance.

No matter how much you try to conceal it, you don't ever get to lie to yourself.

My entries are the giveaway.

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it"

When All Else Fail: Part 2

I am fickle as fuck.

Hypocrisy is inconsistency.

That, is me.

Sigh

Benchmark It

That feeling when you've done a great job.. And your boss tells you he is proud of you!

Three years of working, three years before finally finding the right job, the job that I love and enjoy, the job that I wouldn't mind waking up for in the morning and dragging my feet to work just because I can, the job that I would get up to even if I am sick.

Three years, and this is the best email that ever landed in my Inbox.

"You did a great job too in leading this townhall managing the logistics, infra, f&b, invitees and most important managing all the regional offices too"

Now that.. is definitely a money can't buy. This one, my smile, is going through each and every corner of my PlayDoh heart.


Here's another footprint Hanah.

=)

Wishful..

Ku awali hari ku dengan mendoakan mu agar kau selalu sihat dan bahagia di sana
Sebelum kau melupakan ku lebih jauh
Sebelum kau meninggalkan ku lebih jauh
Ku tak pernah berharap kau kan merindukan keberadaan ku, yang menyedihkan ini
Ku hanya ingin bila kau melihat ku kapan pun di mana pun hati mu kan berkata seperti ini

Pria inilah yang jatuh hati pada mu
Pria inilah yang kan selalu memuja mu
Begitu para rapper coba menghiburku

Akulah orang yang selalu menaruh bunga dan menuliskan cinta di atas meja kerja mu
Akulah orang yang kan selalu mengawasi mu
Menikmati indahmu dari sisi gelapku

Dan biarkan aku jadi pemujamu jangan pernah hiraukan perasaan hatiku
Tenanglah tenang pujaan hatiku sayang
Aku takkan sampai hati bila menyentuhmu

Mungkin kau takkan pernah tahu betapa mudahnya kau untuk di kagumi
Mungkin kau takkan pernah sadar betapa mudahnya kau untuk di cintai



Sheila on 7 - Pemuja Rahsia

The Bounty of Allah: July 20

"Fear is a state of darkness in which the soul wanders, bewildered, seeking help and then comes hope as a ray of light and grace prevails."

Al-Sarraj, in Rabi'a the Mystic, p. 69

Easily pleased.. but pressured

Read

Reading

 Boey started off here iamboey.com

I've already got myself "When I Was A Kid 2"

Just a necessary want and need

Unnecessary want

Over-priced flip flops - Havainas Top

Unnecessary want

Legendary sunglasses brand - Rayban Clubmaster

Unnecessary office necessity need

Funky coloured, pro-environment coffee cups - KeepCup Cosmic Sky Series

Its ramadhan.

Setan di ikat, nafsu, masih lekat.

=)

The Bounty of Allah

I read a page, a day too early.
But I read it just at the right time.

"Hardship may dishearten at first,
but every hardship passes away.
All despair is followed by hope;
All darkness is followed by sunshine"

-Rumi, Mathnawi, 3:2924-25

I just need to be constantly reminded of this.

A deep scar, is still a scar.

Come December

Actually, I've notice that my blog.. and the stories.. are all over the place.
Maybe when I can find time to spend long hours fixing it, I will.
Or at least have a proper story line.. eh?

For now, I am busy with my family, myself, building a new life and my career.
In that order.

Whoever does good, whether male or female, and is a believer, We shall certainly make him live a good life, and We shall certainly give them their reward for the best of what they did.

Surah An-Nahl 16:97 

=)

When All Else Fail

You get away. Just to find yourself again.

That's what I did. A much needed time to myself.

And the outcome?

I couldn't have been happier!
I've learned that above all, my family really is the core to my strength. I thought I was thankful enough, blessed enough and giving enough to them. Who was I kidding?
And the parental unit? Well, the more annoying they get, the more God is telling you that they won't be here for long. So do all that you can to keep them happy and worry them less.

I've learned that my friends, are a good source of support - like linebackers!

I was lost for the longest time. And in that time, I realised that.. just when I thought I have found myself, I was wrong. I had at least 4 months of self-conflict. And I took that time to really discover who I am. To really achieve what I felt I needed to accomplish.

And I did it. Alhamdulillah..

Things are now back on track.My life is back on track. Despite EVERYTHING that happened.
The things you learn when you think you are at your lowest.. amazing!

On different note: I might just find the strength to quit smoking. MIGHT.

Where's my Fortress

Blogging while on smoke break.. That's a first.

Avoiding emo entries is hard.
I've come to the point of not talking. To the point of not confiding to the people around me who all this time have been quite supportive. Not wanting to burden them with worrying whether i will pull through this time around. Attempt to quit smoking by not buying a pack and going on a day with only 3 sticks.. Failed.
I've bought 2packs this week n been smoking like i've just got myself a pair of brand new lungs.
Come on hanah. Suck it up!

VAD

The Valentino Achak Deng Foundation.

Just when you think your life is at its lowest, think of all the other people in the world.
Problems that you have is nothing but a mere speck.

I discovered about this Foundation when I read What is the What by Dave Eggers and Valentino Achak Deng. The book tells of the story of Valentino who was a Sudanese refugee and was a member of the Lost Boys of Sudan. A very detailed and descriptive story of how he had to survive during the 2nd Sudanese Civil War.

A child. Alone. In the middle of a war.

Every time I turn a page, it keeps me grounded. Sometimes I'd stop for weeks because I couldn't handle the challenges that he, his friends and family had to go through.

*photos from Wiki*

When you think you are strong, you are brave and you are determined, think again.

Let your mind push you beyond your capabilities.You don't need fall first. You really don't.

It's crazy how he's changed the lives of so many people.

valentinoachakdeng.org

History of the Foundation Dave Eggers and Valentino Achak Deng meeting in Washington, D.C. Valentino Achak Deng met Dave Eggers in January 2003 in Atlanta, where Valentino had been living since his resettlement to the United States in 2001. He was working while attending community college, and was already well known as a captivating public speaker and spokesman for the Sudanese community. Valentino contacted Dave with the help of his friend Mary Williams, who was the founder of an Atlanta-based organization called the Lost Boys Foundation. After spending a weekend with Dave in Atlanta, Valentino asked him to help write his autobiography. He felt that his story could convey to the world the realities of what had happened in the civil war in Southern Sudan, and its effect on the people there. Dave agreed to help, and they began the process of recording Valentino’s story—a process that took three years of steady work. Early on, Valentino and Dave decided that any and all proceeds from the book would be controlled by Valentino and used to help the Sudanese community. Valentino knew immediately that he would send most of the funds home to his village of Marial Bai. When he returned there with Dave during the writing of the book, he was overwhelmed by the difficulties facing his people. Southern Sudan was (and still is) recovering from war, and the extreme damage to infrastructure has left most of the region in poverty. Valentino decided that he would use the funds from What Is the What to provide better educational opportunities for the Sudanese both in Southern Sudan and in the United States. To help achieve his goals, Valentino established the Valentino Achak Deng Foundation in the fall of 2006. Its creation coincided with the publication of What Is the What. All proceeds from the book are donated—and will continue to be donated, as it’s published in paperback and overseas—directly to Valentino’s cause. The Foundation's first major project is the construction of an educational center in Valentino's hometown of Marial Bai. Working closely with the local community, the Foundation is building a large educational complex, consisting of: the region's first-ever high school a teachers' training college a public library sports facilities a community center During the summer of 2007, Valentino returned to Marial Bai to talk with the community, consult government leaders in the region, and lay the groundwork for this project. In early 2008, he returned to start construction on the secondary school, on a large plot of land that was donated by local government. A Sudanese architect designed the structures, bricks were made locally, and all of the construction workers were from the Marial Bai region. The Marial Bai Secondary School opened in May 2009. It is the first fully-functional high school in the entire region, where there are no other opportunities for students—and especially girls—to continue their education past the elementary level. In spring 2010, we constructed a girls' dormitory, to provide a safe learning environment and an alternative to early marriage for hundreds of young women in the region. For more information, please see our community development in Southern Sudansection. As the Foundation grows and its projects develop, it will largely depend on fundraising to achieve and sustain its goals. Valentino plans to keep working to help the Sudanese in Southern Sudan and the United States, and his dreams will only be limited by the funding that the Foundation receives. If you would like to support Valentino's school-building projects, please visit our donate page.	What Is the What This book by Dave Eggers tells the life story of Valentino Achak Deng, from his pre-war life in southern Sudan to his resettlement in the United States. More information > NEWS FROM THE FOUNDATION SOUTH SUDAN NEWS News and opinions related to South Sudan, and links to quality news sources. More information > JOIN OUR MAILING LIST HELPFUL LINKS 1-800-GENOCIDE Tell your elected officials that the genocide must end. Sudan Divestment Task Force Track the progress of divestment campaigns in your area. STAND Student anti-genocide coalition with over 600 college and high-school chapters. More links >

3:46am

It takes courage and strength to pull through the turning points in your life. All else is secondary.

Pursuit of Happiness

Just cause its Tuesday and I'm having a pretty rough day.

Busy bak Perdana Menteri

On top of my 9-5 job and the fact that we're nearing the year end - work gets a little bit hectic with upcoming events - I have a number of "extra events" that'll keep me busy before NYE.

November
Pengapit for Risha, 3 occasions, 2 weekends.

December
Dulang girl for Nona, 1 occasion, 1 LONG weekend.
oh no no.. not JUST a dulang girl, I am also now the organizing committee for her Bridal Shower.Committee members are to meet on a weekly basis in the next 3 weeks before the Briday Shower. oh boy!

The only thing that I'll be doing for myself is running at the Terry Fox Run, KL 2012 (representing Maybank, again) - which will be a day after Risha's wedding. I even took a pass at watching Yuna's Concert in Singapore - but really its ok since the Concert is on a weekday - plus I'll be busy preparing for an event at work - which coincidentally is on the same day as Risha's Nikah day. Fuuh!

Sometimes I wonder where I get all my energy from.
Waking up at 1130 am on a weekend would be such a blessing. Alas, I am always a morning person on weekends. Never, on any given weekday.

So anyway, my point is, what happened to MY weekend?
Hang on, let me check.....................

Acceptance

I don't know if I will ever be ready to embrace it.
But one thing's for sure, this time I am going to hang on to "don't make God your last resort"

at Sara's 1st Birthday - Doa Selamat

One day.. InsyaAllah..
Ameen